Once again this is just from my personal experience and I am sure that there will be things that I forgot or you may not agree with, but this is how I have felt and still feel.
-First never tell someone “ I know how you feel” because you don’t. Even to this day I would never tell someone who had a stillbirth that I know how they feel because I don’t know everything behind the scenes. What I mean about that is that I do not know how long it took them to get pregnant, if they have a support system (family, friends, etc.), if they will be able to have more children and so on. If I came across someone who has had a stillbirth I would tell them about my story and say “ I know what I have experienced and I can only imagine what you are going through”
-Express your concern…tell them “I’m sorry to hear that this happened.”
-Offer you support, but only offer your support if you truly mean it. If you tell someone “If you need anything at all just let me know” then you better mean just that.
-It’s ok to ask them now and then how they are doing, but be accepting to their responses. Someday they may say they are fine because they are doing well or they just don’t want to talk about it at that given time. Then there will be other days if you ask them they will want to talk/cry/scream.
-Be willing to do all the talking or be willing to sit in silence. Don’t push a grieving person into talking. Trust me if they want to talk they will come and talk to you. Sometimes that ‘s all they want/need is someone to sit there and listen.
-It’s ok to tell them “I don’t know what to say, but I will listen to you.”
-A grieving person doesn’t feel that someone is going to fix everything so don’t try. Sometimes trying too hard can make them angry and frustrated.
-Let them talk about their loss. When they do talk about their loss join in with them. It makes them feel better that you remember their loved one.
-Some different things that helped us get through the first couple of months were what someone of our family and friends did.
They dropped of food, took us out to eat, called, emailed, and texted us. They just sat with us, watched movies, took us out, etc. These are some different things you can do for someone who is grieving.
-Continue to provide support for them and I find it especially important during holidays.
Things NOT to say
-“I know how you feel.” (you really don’t know how someone feels)
-Don’t ever tell someone that they are grieving to long and it is time to get over it and move on with their life. Once again you do not know how they feel and what they are going through.
-Don’t tell them things like “you should do this…”
There is a lot more that I could write about, but the main point is if you know someone who is grieving offer them support if you can and NEVER tell them “I know how you feel” because you don’t. I could tell you stories about some of the things people came up to us and said (which tends to still happened to us to this day). We have had several inappropriate comments made to us. I know they probably don’t mean what they say, but just remember words can hurt worse than nothing being said at all. So if you don’t know of the right thing to say then tell them just that…”I’m sorry I just don’t know what to say."
Today I am thankful for being pregnant...32 weeks :)
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